This is a real non-fiction story from a real person. After hearing about their conditions, we felt it was important to offer them a platform to share it with others.
I am 24 years old, and I live in Ukraine. I am a trans girl. It is currently the autumn of 2026. The problem is serious and complex. Or rather, problems. I will write as detailed and comprehensively as possible.
Since childhood, I have been strange—not even in terms of conventional femininity, but just in general. I didn’t really have friends. I also grew up in a religious family. Well, partially: my mother is a Jehovah’s Witness, while my father was more of an atheist. He didn’t pay much attention to me, though it wasn’t like he completely ignored me either. In 2012, they got divorced; he now has his own family, although we still keep in touch.
In school, I performed quite poorly; I guess I didn’t really want to study, it wasn’t interesting to me. And it was difficult, too. Later on, problems with blood pressure and headaches started, so I missed a lot of middle school. I finished 9th grade with poor grades. After that, I had to go to a vocational school to study radio engineering, although initially, I found it somewhat interesting. In parallel, regarding religion: I kind of believed and didn’t believe at the same time. I wasn’t baptized, but I was formally part of it.
In childhood, I had various hobbies, but I never saw anything through to the end and dropped things quickly. Aside from that, I read books and was into popular science and futurology. And yes, my family was poor; stable internet appeared very late. But once I got a smartphone and at least some kind of internet connection, I first started watching movies and TV shows online. I also began actively using VKontakte [Editor’s note: a Russian social network].
When Pokémon GO came out, I discovered the anime universe and immersed myself in it. At the same time, my taste in music developed (eventually leading to various metal genres and niche harsh electronics), and I practically started living online. Outside the internet, there was nothing particularly interesting: fandoms, Doctor Who, Anime Fate, etc., and so on. Internet friends.
Over time, by age 17, several important events took place. I left that religion, realizing that it was essentially a quasi-cult that didn’t suit me at all. It was hard, and there were long-lasting arguments with my mother. In reality, besides my mother, the only person I talked to in real life was my grandmother, not counting the people from the congregation who studied the Bible with me. Naturally, that stopped after I left. At the vocational school, there was some bullying—not too severe, but it wasn’t pleasant either. I only talked to a couple of people who also stood out a bit.
At 17, I also got into role-playing games (both regular and NSFW). In one of them, someone suggested I simply play as a girl, just out of curiosity. And a turning point occurred. I started to like being addressed by a female nickname. I liked writing in the first person as a woman. It wasn’t full realization of being transgender yet, but it brought the first thoughts and doubts.
In early 2018, I finished my internship and the vocational school itself. After that, I just stayed at home. Around the same time, a second very important event happened. Late in the year, I met someone online with similar interests—also a roleplayer, who also liked things like Warhammer. He invited me to a niche RP chat focused on anime and the Fate universe. We started talking more and more; by the way, he also sometimes roleplayed as a female character. And I simply fell in love with him. Quite deeply, even too much—to the point where I tried to control him. And he was very short-tempered.
In the summer, we broke up, which was a massive blow for me. I would just sob at night. Depression set in. I drank a little pure alcohol at night just to somehow fall asleep. At the same time, out of sheer desperation, I decided to come out to my mother, because by that point, I had realized I was a girl. Meanwhile, the depression worsened to the extent that I entered a state of apathy. I went to a psychiatrist; I also tried studying at a college, but dropped out.
So, the psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants. They didn’t help. Simultaneously, I tried traveling to Kyiv to find a trans-friendly doctor. I found one, but back then, I didn’t have the 5,000 hryvnias needed for inpatient care. So I had to agree with my mother to be admitted under a referral to a local psychiatric dispensary for a month. I stayed there; at first, it was hard in a new place, then I got used to it, though toward the end I felt completely alienated. However, the change of scenery made things slightly better. In the end, they gave me two diagnoses: schizotypal disorder and depressive syndrome. I didn’t really have the strength to argue, although there had been promises that if nothing helped, there would be a commission to establish an F64 diagnosis.
Concurrently, I tried looking for a job after returning. From around age 16, I had started taking an interest in IT and programming. But finding a job in IT didn’t work out. Then I received a conscription notice from the military enlistment office. The date was around March 9, 2022, I believe; the war broke out. That simply solidified my depressive state.
The only change afterward was the rapid advancement of AI, which completely absorbed me. Alongside that came attempts to learn English and other languages. I had a little success with English, but it was weak. It is difficult for me to stick with something for a long time; I only experience temporary hyperfixations.
Since then, it’s been endless doctor visits. The dysphoria, though it fades and reappears, is persistent, but I have no strength left. And I don’t even know what femininity is in my understanding or how to express it.
Now it is 2026, and I basically just sit at home, stagnating. Without a future, without anything. I have no friends in real life at all. I desperately wanted to leave the country, but they won’t let me out. So I am just stewing in my own juice. There were attempts to reach out to queer organizations, but it didn’t really lead to anything. Constant mood swings, and just withering away. A strange and difficult personality has formed, along with social anxiety and so on. Just emptiness. Oh, and there were attempts at relationships, but nothing worked out properly. I’m not even sure about my sexual orientation; maybe I’m a lesbian after all.
